I Don’t See The Real Me.

Today, I’m discussing how I see myself when I look in the mirror, how it came about, and how the societal view of what’s acceptable isn’t helping me and so many others.

I grew up in a household where my mother was always dieting. She’d count calories, weigh herself regularly, and make comments. Then one summer, I had a growth spurt which caused me to add several pounds over a three month period lead to my mother constantly asking me about my weight. This lead to me to begin dieting and counting calories at the age of 12 or 13.

Whenever I looked in a mirror, I saw this fat little kid and now I see a fat adult. My abdomen and butt are what I focus on and I haven’t been able to look at myself in a mirror since I was a kid. It made it hard to take dance lessons as I refused to look at myself or I’d see that bloated image of myself.

When I hit the age of 21, something happened to my metabolism and all the sudden I lost weight. I discovered I could consume less and my weight kept dropping until I reached a low of about 110 pounds. Unfortunately, it started playing havoc with my monthly cycles and I realized I needed to do something.

I called a help line for anorexics but I hung up when the person on the other end of the line told me she knew exactly what I was going through. I refused to accept that. So I threw out my scales, got rid of all my mirrors and managed to regain the weight up to a more healthy number.

At the same time, there is the image that influencers and stars present to the world which tends to be thin, thin, thin, and those of use with issues, end up cringing, comparing ourselves to these folks, finding each and every thing item wrong with ourselves. Unfortunately, its hard to totally avoid these images. Even the news will print photos of this person in a bathing suit and comment about how great they look with the flat stomach or how wonderful they look at their age.

Even as an adult, my mother was always asking me about my weight, even up till she died. It was something she was focused on. I managed to do ok, even when I gained a bit of weight but when it shot up 6 pounds in 6 weeks, I freaked out and started a food and exercise journal.

I managed to get my weight down to something I could live with but I still have those moments of insecurity when I weigh myself or feel my clothing become a bit tighter. I have to watch these moments and I struggle. It is something I’ll have till I die but I’ve learned to keep myself healthy.

I also know I’m not the only person who goes through this and in general we don’t talk about it or even admit to it. We have this need to lose weight so we match those folks on social media. I wish we could accept ourselves as we are but its hard when we are bombarded with those images.

So here I am, aware I have issues but managing to live with them for the most part and knowing it won’t go away. Let me know what you think, I’d love to hear.